I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
