Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
