Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
