I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
