i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
