my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
