Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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