Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
