I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
