Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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