I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
