so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
