Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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