He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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