you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
