Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
