Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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