dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
