i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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