his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I didn't notice because vodka
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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