So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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