actually, I'm a sock model
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
