Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
there is glitter all over my balls
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
