She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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