I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
