Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
