All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
