I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
