Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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