The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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