First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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