so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
