You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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