Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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