If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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