my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
