apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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