Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
