Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
