A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
be right there i have to get my cape
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
