i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
