i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize