the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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