saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
