he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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