Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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