Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
