Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
