mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
