I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
