we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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