I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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