I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
