Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
