You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
