i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
