they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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