I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
