I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
