And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Enjoy the penises
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
