there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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