I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
