You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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