Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
