I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
