I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
