In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
