Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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